Most Kindred dread forgetting who they once were. After a few centuries, faces blur together, years begin to look alike, and even the most precious memories sometimes lose their clarity.
For Flore Wendling, that concern has a much more immediate dimension.
A member of clan Malkavian, a psychologist with a passion for esotericism and psychiatry, Flore devotes much of her existence to understanding the human mind. A calling that might seem paradoxical in a woman whose own memory contains vast gaps.
Yet she does not give the impression of living in the past. She takes an interest in others, works, studies, listens to music and dreams of a world where supernatural creatures could coexist without systematically trying to destroy one another.
She says she has no friends. She still believes in love, although she doubts its ability to endure eternity. She refuses to see her psychological difficulties as a definition of who she is.
And when asked what makes her happy, she simply answers: still being in this world.
I wanted to meet this woman.
“I am not mad.”
Babyface Good evening, Flore. Or should I call you Florence?
Flore Flore Wendling. Florence Baumgartner was my old name.
Babyface So you would rather leave it behind?
Flore It is a name that belongs to a different period of my life. I prefer Flore.
Babyface Very well, Flore. Three words to describe yourself?
Flore Observant. Talkative... perhaps too much. And open-minded.
Babyface Too talkative? You are saying that to a former streamer. I think we should get along.
Flore She laughs. We might.
Babyface What quality do you value most in others?
Flore Frankness.
Babyface Even when it is unpleasant?
Flore Yes. I prefer to know what people really think. It is simpler.
Babyface In our society, that is almost a revolutionary demand. The Kindred are not exactly known for their transparency.
Flore I know. It is actually one of the things that annoy me most about them.
Babyface And the biggest misunderstanding people have about you?
Flore That I am mad.
Babyface You are Malkavian. Some people might find that answer a little optimistic.
Flore Having psychological problems does not mean I am mad. It is not the same thing. People tend to lump everything together, especially when they do not understand what is going on in someone's head.
Babyface So you would like people to stop defining you by your difficulties?
Flore Exactly. I have memory problems, among other things. That does not mean I cannot think or understand the world.
Babyface And you would even say that your greatest talent is thinking outside the box.
Flore Yes. Well, I think so.
Babyface A Malkavian who rejects labels and thinks outside the box. Your clan must find you perfectly normal.
She laughs again. I like that laugh. There is nothing forced about it, and Flore seems to use it as naturally to highlight an absurdity as to escape an embarrassing question.
“There are so many gaps in my memory...”
Babyface Let us talk about your human life. What is your fondest memory?
Flore The day my father accepted my interest in psychiatry.
Babyface Was that important to you?
Flore Enormously. At the time, being a woman made certain studies very difficult, if not impossible. I was passionate about psychiatry, but I could not really follow the path I would have wished. My father's acceptance of that interest, even without being able to let me study it as I wanted, meant a great deal.
Babyface He took you seriously.
Flore Yes.
Babyface And if you could relive a single day from that time?
Flore It is complicated. There are so many gaps in my memory that I would not really know what to choose.
Perhaps a day spent with my parents at Haut-Koenigsbourg castle. I was a child. And I remember that day. Really remember it.
Babyface You remember everything?
Flore Yes.
Babyface What does such a complete memory mean to you?
Flore It is precious. You know, when you cannot always rely on your memory, the memories that remain become particularly important.
Babyface And what do you miss most about your former existence?
Flore The smell of dew at dawn.
I was expecting many answers. Not that one.
Babyface Dawn?
Flore Yes. That particular smell, when the night ends, the air is still cool and everything starts waking up.
Babyface That is a lovely thing to miss.
Flore It is often the little things we miss.
Babyface You also spoke of the smell of cedar and paper.
Flore My parents' library. The cedar wood, the books... It was a place where I felt safe.
Babyface So you have retained some very precise sensations, even when entire periods escape you.
Flore Yes. Strange, isn't it?
Babyface Perhaps. But above all, I find it rather touching.
“I think I saw him again in 1998.”
Babyface If you could see one person from your former life again, whom would you choose?
Flore Paul.
Babyface Paul?
Flore My fiancé. He disappeared during the war. Well... I think so.
Babyface You are not certain?
Flore Not completely. I even think I saw him again in 1998. But I believe it was a hallucination.
Babyface Do you remember that meeting?
Flore I have a memory of it. But having a memory of something does not necessarily mean it actually happened.
Babyface That is an important distinction.
Flore For me, yes.
Babyface Would you like to know what happened to him?
Flore Of course. Above all, I would like to know what is true.
Babyface There is something particularly cruel about not knowing whether you have lost someone or merely lost the memory of what happened to them.
Flore does not answer immediately. This time, I do not press her.
Babyface And if you could say just one thing to young Florence Baumgartner?
Flore Have faith. One day, you will be able to pursue the studies you dream of.
Babyface You know, for someone who has lived through so much uncertainty, that is a surprisingly optimistic thing to say.
Flore I do not see why I should stop being optimistic.
“I wanted to know whether my memory would become normal.”
Babyface Let us talk about your Embrace. When you realised you had become a vampire, what was your first thought?
Flore I wondered whether my memory would become normal.
Babyface Not whether you would burn in sunlight? Not whether you had a soul? Not even whether you would still be able to eat chocolate?
Flore No. My memory.
Babyface That must have been an immense hope.
Flore I suppose so. It is easy to imagine that becoming a supernatural creature might solve certain human problems.
Babyface But the Blood does not necessarily repair what was already difficult to live with.
Flore No.
Babyface And today, what do you appreciate most about your condition?
Flore Seeing.
Babyface Seeing?
Flore Humanity's evolution. The changes in the world. And seeing what is normally invisible. There are so many things humans know nothing about, so many phenomena they cannot perceive.
I like being able to observe all of that.
Babyface So discovery is what interests you most.
Flore Yes. Seeing, understanding, learning. I find it fascinating.
Babyface And what do you hate most?
Flore Vampire politics.
Babyface You do realise that is not a biological feature of our condition?
Flore Yes, but you always end up entangled in it!
Babyface I cannot really argue with that.
Flore And above all, there is the risk of killing an innocent human when I feed.
Babyface Are you afraid of losing control?
Flore Yes. Of letting the Beast act and doing something irreversible.
Babyface Is there a line you would never cross?
Flore Feeding on a baby.
Her answer is immediate. No hesitation, no explanation.
Babyface And your first hunt? What memory do you have of it?
Flore Memory?
She bursts out laughing.
Babyface Sorry. I think I have just asked the wrong question of the wrong person.
Flore You think?
“A perfect night? I would work.”
Babyface Let us leave the serious subjects for a moment. Your favourite music?
Flore A single piece for a century? Bela Lugosi's Dead, by Bauhaus.
Babyface You do realise that is terribly clichéd for a vampire?
Flore Yes! She laughs. But I embrace it.
Otherwise, Samuel Barber's Agnus Dei. And I could name a piece in every musical genre I listen to, but we might spend the whole night on it.
Babyface We have time. In theory, at least. And a work that particularly represents you?
Flore Memento.
Babyface Christopher Nolan's film?
Flore Yes!
We both laugh.
Babyface I should have guessed. Your self-deprecating humour is rather delightful.
Flore You have to laugh about it from time to time.
Babyface Your favourite place in Paris?
Flore My consulting room.
Babyface Really? Not a museum, a garden or a library?
Flore No. My consulting room. It is the only place where I really feel like myself.
Babyface Why?
Flore Because I do what I love there. I see patients, listen, try to understand and help. I also see people who come for divination.
Babyface Psychology and divination. That combination would probably raise eyebrows among some of your colleagues.
Flore Perhaps. But people seek answers in different ways.
Babyface And if you had a whole night without obligations, without danger, without having to answer to anyone?
Flore I would work.
Babyface Are you joking?
Flore Not at all. I love my work. I would see my patients, the people who come for divination. Afterwards, I might read in a café, dance in a club or see a film at the cinema.
Babyface You are immortal, you have access to a supernatural world humans know nothing about, and your dream is to go to work and then have a coffee?
Flore Yes. I like simple things.
Babyface I think that is one of the most unexpected answers I have heard in a long time.
“I do not feel as though I have friends.”
Babyface What do you expect of a friend?
Flore Nothing.
Babyface Nothing?
Flore I do not really feel as though I have friends.
Babyface Yet you belong to a coterie.
Flore Yes, but belonging to a coterie does not necessarily mean having friends.
Babyface You are surrounded by people you spend time with regularly. You know their strengths, their flaws, their habits. Doesn't that resemble friendship a little?
Flore Perhaps. I do not know.
Babyface What do you admire in your companions?
Flore Raphaël's calm. Rose's integrity. Cassandre's eloquence. Vittorio's discretion.
Babyface And Bogdan?
Flore His determination. Perhaps...
Babyface Perhaps?
Flore She smiles. Yes, perhaps.
Babyface I will avoid asking why that answer required more thought.
Flore That is probably wiser.
Babyface If your existence depended entirely on one of your companions, whom would you choose?
Flore I am torn between Rose and Raphaël.
Babyface The integrity of one and the calm of the other?
Flore Yes, probably.
Babyface You see, you do trust some people.
Flore Yes. But trust and friendship are not necessarily the same thing.
Babyface That is true.
She has just drawn up a fairly precise list of her companions' qualities, acknowledged that she would entrust her survival to two of them, and yet she continues to think she has no friends. I wonder whether this solitude is really the one she lives or the one she remembers.
“I would like to know what it is to love someone.”
Babyface Do you still believe in love?
Flore Yes.
Babyface Even after all this time?
Flore Yes, but I doubt it can survive eternity. It sometimes already struggles to survive a single human life.
Babyface Are you speaking from experience?
Flore I do not really know. I have no memory of truly loving someone.
Babyface Even Paul?
Flore He was my fiancé. But my memories are incomplete. I cannot claim today to know everything I felt back then.
Babyface And if you fell in love now?
Flore I would like that.
Babyface Is that all?
Flore Yes. I would like to experience it.
Babyface You know, many Kindred spend their eternity explaining why love is useless, dangerous or ridiculous. You are one of the few people I hear saying so simply that she would like to discover it.
Flore I do not see what is shameful about that.
Babyface Nothing at all.
I could ask how far she would be willing to go for someone she loves. She has already told me she has no idea. And for once, that absence of an answer does not seem like a way of avoiding the question.
“Power is a burden.”
Babyface What does power mean to you?
Flore A burden.
Babyface That sets you apart from many of our kind.
Flore Frankly, having power means having a target on your back and another on your forehead. Vampires spend their time wanting to control a city, territories, other people. I do not find that very interesting.
Babyface So you have no political ambitions?
Flore None that come to mind.
Babyface But you have personal ambitions.
Flore Of course. I would like to become a great expert in esotericism. And a good psychologist.
Babyface And in a hundred years?
Flore I would like to have created a psychological support service for supernatural creatures who feel they need it. Especially vampires.
When you live so long, I think you need to look after your mental health.
Babyface You imagine a sort of practice open to the Kindred?
Flore Why not? We all have our difficulties, our traumas, our problems. And I do not think immortality makes them disappear.
Babyface You do realise some elders might consider the suggestion that they need a psychologist an insult?
Flore That is their problem.
Babyface That is an answer I appreciate very much.
Flore She laughs.
Babyface And if you could change one thing in our society?
Flore All those conspiracies. The manipulations. That obsession with turning other people into puppets.
Babyface Would you prefer a world without intrigue?
Flore Above all, I would prefer people to be allowed to live.
Babyface Even humans?
Flore Obviously. I think supernatural beings and mortals should be able to coexist, each in their own sphere, without spending their time waging war on one another.
Babyface Would you be prepared to risk your existence for that?
Flore Perhaps. To preserve a balance, prevent a war between the different communities. We all deserve the chance to live on this planet.
Babyface Do you realise you have just defended a rather broad cause for someone who claims not to be interested in power?
Flore I do not think you need to want to govern others to wish them to live in peace.
Babyface No. And perhaps that is what makes your answer interesting.
“What am I most ashamed of? Not remembering.”
Babyface We are coming to the slightly more difficult questions.
Flore Do you mean the previous ones were easy?
Babyface Relatively. What lie do you tell yourself most often?
Flore I do not know. I am not in the habit of lying.
Babyface Even to yourself?
Flore I do not think so.
Babyface And what are you most ashamed of?
Flore Not remembering.
The answer comes without evasion. I was expecting hesitation, perhaps a joke. Not this time.
Babyface You are ashamed of something you cannot control?
Flore Yes.
Babyface Yet you would probably not reproach one of your patients for having memory disorders.
Flore No, of course not.
Babyface So you are harsher on yourself than on those you are trying to help.
Flore Probably.
Babyface What truth about yourself would you prefer nobody ever discovered?
Flore That is precisely the problem. I do not know the whole truth about myself.
Babyface So you fear there is something you do not know?
Flore Yes. I simply hope that, if such a truth exists, I will be the first to learn it.
Babyface So you can accept it?
Flore So I can possibly hide it.
Babyface That is much less innocent.
Flore She smiles slightly.
Babyface Do you think you have ever done something monstrous while convinced you were acting for the good?
Flore Perhaps. If so, I do not remember it.
Babyface That answer comes up often.
Flore I know. It is repetitive.
Babyface No. It is simply your reality.
There is a difference between someone who refuses to answer and someone who does not have the answer. With Flore, that distinction sometimes becomes hard to bear, even when you are only the one asking the questions.
“My greatest happiness? Still being in this world.”
Babyface A few final questions. I promise they are short.
Your greatest happiness?
Flore Still being in this world.
Babyface Even with all its problems?
Flore Yes. There are still so many things to discover.
Babyface Your greatest regret?
Flore Not having... well... consummated, during my mortal life.
Babyface Consummated?
Flore Yes, you know perfectly well what I mean.
Babyface I think so, yes. And for once, I will resist the temptation to ask for details.
Flore Thank you!
Babyface Your hero or heroine?
Flore I do not even know whether that person exists. It would be a vampire who had succeeded in finding peace within their own soul. A human vampire.
Babyface A human vampire?
Flore Yes. Someone who had preserved the best of humanity, despite their condition.
Babyface Do you think it is possible?
Flore I would like to believe so.
Babyface Your worst enemy?
Flore My memory.
Babyface Your idea of an ideal death?
Flore There is no ideal death.
Babyface And if tomorrow were to be your last night, what words would you like to leave behind?
Flore Can I choose a song instead?
Babyface Of course.
Flore Imagine, by John Lennon.
Babyface That choice suits you.
The final question
I look at my notes. Flore has told me about her father, her consulting room, her love of study and that old library whose smell she still remembers. She has told me about Paul, what she believes she experienced, what she does not know and what she would like to recover.
Throughout our conversation, I felt as though I were leafing through a book with missing chapters. The remaining pages are full of life, humour and an almost contagious curiosity. But Flore cannot always know what the vanished ones said.
Babyface One last question, Flore. Which one were you secretly hoping I would not ask?
Flore Any question that began: “Do you remember...?”
Babyface Any of them?
Flore Yes. Because you might happen upon a memory I do not have.
Babyface Yet you have told me about some very beautiful memories tonight.
Flore Of course. But I never know which ones will be missing.
Babyface Then I will ask you a different question.
Flore I am listening.
Babyface If you could keep only one of the memories you have told me about tonight, which would you want to keep?
Flore thinks. For once, I do not try to fill the silence.
Babyface You do not have to answer now.
Flore Good. I think I would need a little time.
Babyface Take it.
I put my notes away. Our interview is over, but another question crosses my mind.
Babyface You know, Flore, I have met many vampires who remember their existence perfectly and spend their eternity trying to forget it.
You seem above all to want to remember so that you can go on living.
Flore Yes. I think that is it.
Babyface Then I hope you find what you are looking for.
Flore So do I.
End of the interview.
Babyface's perspective
I have rarely met someone who speaks so freely about what she does not know.
Flore Wendling does not claim to have all the answers. She acknowledges her hesitations, her gaps, her uncertainties. She can laugh about her memory disorders and, a few minutes later, admit that those very disorders are what make her feel most ashamed.
I think that is what struck me most about her.
In our society, ignorance is a weakness we conceal carefully. Elders prefer to lie rather than admit they do not know. The young quickly learn to imitate that assurance. And soon, everyone is pretending to understand a world nobody truly masters.
Flore simply says: “I do not know.”
It would be easy to mistake that honesty for naïveté. That would be a mistake.
She observes others attentively. She can recognise their qualities. She understands perfectly that power relations are dangerous and that manipulation can destroy a person long before their death. She does not want to govern. She would like to heal.
That is an ambition I find almost incongruous in the Paris we know.
But there is something more troubling.
Flore sometimes knows her companions' qualities better than her feelings for them. She hesitates to use the word friend while knowing precisely whom she would entrust with her existence. She believes in love without being certain she remembers having loved. She would like to help others understand their minds when her own sometimes denies her access to her own history.
I wonder what memory really means to someone like her.
We vampires readily cling to the past. We collect names, portraits, promises and grudges. We claim that the centuries give us a better understanding of ourselves.
Flore inadvertently reminds us that we can live a very long time and not know exactly who we have been.
Yet she has something many lost long ago: the desire to discover what tomorrow holds for her.
When she told me that her greatest happiness was still being in this world, I initially found her answer very simple.
On reflection, I find it much less obvious.
She has lost memories, perhaps loved ones, certainly opportunities. She fears the Beast, violence and the wars the Kindred provoke so easily. But she continues to love her work, music, books, cafés and ordinary nights.
She even dreams of creating a place where monsters could speak about their wounds without fear of judgement.
I do not know whether such an enterprise could survive long in Paris.
I hope so.
As for the final question, the one she dreaded so much, I think I understood something.
Flore is not merely afraid of forgetting.
She is afraid that one day someone else will know her story better than she does herself.
And I find that infinitely more worrying than all the prophecies one might attribute to a Malkavian.
Babyface
The Midnight Confessions, Paris la Nuit.